Well, last night of the month.  Good to get one more post in.  Plus I feel the need to let my brain out to run around a little.  Blog is a good place to let that happen.

Life is slowly returning to the new normal but a day doesn't go by that I don't think about Dad.  I think I am a slow motion mourner.  I'm not full of grief or sadness and there is plenty of joy in my life.  But there are sad moments and I miss him like crazy even though he was not a part of my day to day life here.

We got up to the Lake on Monday Night/Tuesday.  It was a good day.  We were going to get some work done but in the end we spent most of the day visiting with the Williams and that was really nice.  A good way to heal some.  It was an absolutely beautiful day on the lake.  If you go to my Facebook page, you will see pictures from the sunset that evening.  It was a special time for me as I watched the sun set and thought of Dad.

There is so much I want to get done here.  I am working hard on getting ahead on things for church.  Small group study and upcoming message series as well as all the other details; new members, men's summit, church organization, etc.  Back to trying to get ahead on radio shows as well.  Also trying to get the office and house in general weeded out and better organized.  Need to get my La Romana application out or I won't be going this year.   I have to get back to working on my Spanish and I would like to get going on the Greek course I bought.  When do I do that?  Have quite a stack of books I want to read too.  So many things I want to do and yet not enough time.  Hoping to get back up to the Lake to get a little more work done and get the place closed up.  Will take work with me for after dark.

I would love to get back to the writing I used to do.  Who knows?  It would be fun to get something published.  Feels like a long way from here to there though.

Well, through all that, God is good and I am excited about what I am doing and what He is doing through me.  Lots of opportunities coming up and neat things happening.  My life is one of joy.

That doesn't include the Red Sox.  This year was like the bad old days.  And now Francona is leaving.  Too bad.

Hopefully October will find me back to being much more consistent with the blog and getting lots of things done!

I am too tired for a big thoughtful post. I have several things I want to blog about but I am too tired tonight. Yet I want to write so I warn you that this will be the tired reflections that are roaming through my brain tonight.

I can't believe he's gone.

It doesn't seem real.

And yet it is.  Very.

I was there at the end.  I spent his last night with him, and as my cousin truthfully stated, I will cherish that time forever.  This morning we took the kids over to see what Papa left behind, to take one last look, to have one more touch, to make his departure real.  The kids handled it great and Sarah and I are doing ok.

No one else tell me they are so sorry.  Express a positive emotion.  "I love you," "I'm praying for you,"  <<<hug>>> (w/o words).   [btw, that's not a complaint, just a thought.  I am deeply touched by all those reaching out]

I'll miss him greatly and in the pain of that missing, I am reminded of the joy that was a good relationship.  As I told him moments before he let go, he was a great dad.

This is a very sad time, but that is not the same as a negative time.  God has given too many gifts and manifested Himself too plainly in all this for it to be negative.  But it is very sad.  I am sad, yet with peace and joy.

I have now been up over 36 hours.  I should get some sleep soon.  There is a lot to do tomorrow.

Sometime soon I need to get to the lake.  I think I need to go there to reflect and morn (but not without hope.  :)  ).

It is good to be home tonight.    I will however miss the absolutely FANTASTIC nursing staff at Maine General in Augusta.  The oncology nurses are some of the best in the world, bar none.  I cannot thank them enough for the care, tenderness, and love they showed my dad.  They made it so that even though he was in the hospital, he died at home.

Last random thought.  As has been true for a couple decades now, I cannot look down at my hands and not think of my dad.  I have his hands.  They look just like his did and each time I see them I will remember that last night (last night) when I held his hand for hours until he was ready to go.  Another gift.

I have been going down to the hospital most every day.  Yesterday I visited two hospitals as I first traveled up to Bangor to see my Aunt and then drove down to Augusta to visit Dad.  As has been my practice this week, I spent the late afternoon/early evening just sitting with him.  He sleeps most of the time but does waken now and then for a few minutes.  He doesn't talk much because his mouth/throat hurts.  It has been good to just sit with him, enjoy just being in his presence for these last times and keep him company.

Did I just say it has been good?  Did I just use the word "enjoy"?  Yes.  Last night that enjoyment included holding my dad's hand as he slept and weeping.  I am not happy, I am sad.  I am going to miss dad a great deal.  There are plenty of things that are ending with this process and I am not happy about this.  I am not happy that this has happened.

BUT

I have joy.  Joy is different from happiness.  It is something that results from what God does inside of you that processes the events of your life.  I don't have to like it, but I can accept it, not in some grudging way, but embrace it and have joy.

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

Contentment.  Joy.  I can do that through Christ who gives me strength.  And that is what we are living right now.   Happiness requires circumstances to go our way and right now circumstances are NOT going the way I want.  Joy, in Christ, rises above those circumstances.  It starts as contentment in whatever those circumstances are and then you can build on that.  Each good thing becomes a gift, not a consolation prize.  I am content in what I have so any good thing is a beautiful extra; a gift from God.  "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  (James 1:17)

When we thought he had slipped into final unconsciousness, he awoke, was aware, signed important papers, and visited us for three hours as my whole immediate family (minus my kids) were there.    He was able to have his final talk with his sister, an event we had given up on.  He has given me more hugs than I thought I would still get, more "I love you's" than I thought I still had coming.  I have had evenings of just sitting in his presence.  All these are gifts.  Last night as I sat there beside him and quietly cried, I was filled with my sadness and with such joy and satisfaction for all that I have and have been given.  I will miss dad, and I am sad to lose him for now, but I have been so blessed.  And in Christ I have the chance to one day see my father again with my Heavenly Father.  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  (Revelation 21:4)

I'm not happy.  But I am full of JOY!

Trying to get things moving after returning home.   Today so far hasn't yielded a lot of progress, but that is not to say it wasn't a good day.  We got up and out this morning to go see Dad and to meet family friends who were coming up from Conneticut to see Dad on their way up to Sebec.  We did that and also saw a cousin of mine who stopped by as well.  We ended up spending a good part of the day at the hospital.  The kids got some good interaction with Papa and it was good to see our friends.  We got home late and I ended up with two phone calls that took up the next hour and a half.

Now it is time to cook some supper for the kids and head over to prayer meeting.  Haven't been there since June because of Camp.  It will be good to return there tonight.  Got some work done on the next sermon series and made some other small progresses.   Just need to get some sleep too.

God is faithful.  He continues to teach me so much through all these things.  Every day there are new ways that He speakes to me.

LORD, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us. O LORD, our God, other lords besides you have ruled over us, but your name alone do we honor. (Isaiah 26:12-13 NIV)

We are home.  I guess after my last post that remark needs some clarification.  :)   We are home to Bean's Corner.  It has been quite an eventful two weeks.  I know it was supposed to be vacation and I did take a real break from church & camp, but now I need to rest up from vacation!

We had a great time at the lake but it was less than we had planned since I traveled either alone or with the family six days out of the just over two weeks that we were up there.  It was strange to travel up north and then commute to Augusta.  Oh well, life surprises you sometimes.  Although it was tough to be away from our church family as we wrestled with two big developments in our biological family, it was good to be at the Lake which is my biggest connection to my family history.    For those of you unaware, my aunt had open heart surgery last week and is making a slow recovery.  Her brother, my dad, has been diagnosed with malignant melanoma.  There are many tumors and at this point he is receiving hospice care to keep him comfortable.  Mom is doing well but the regular travel to the hospital is tiring her out.

Camp went well and now I have the end of season wrap up work to do as well as working toward next summer.  I was greatly encouraged by this summer and find I have a new optimism going forward.  There is much to do and I will need help, but I see God working in other people's hearts concerning Camp and He has reminded me that it is His camp.

Now is also the time to get geared up for the fall at church.  I am excited about Brian joining us an an intern this fall as well as some others joining us from UMF.  God continues to bring people to the church.  I believe it is because we are following His mission for us: Making Disciples.

Here at home we are getting ready for another season of homeschooling.  I can't believe how fast the kids are growing but it is so neat to sit and teach them things.  They are so eager to learn.  This late summer we learned about how hurricane's form as we "enjoyed" being without power thanks to Irene.  Homeschool Coop will be beginning right away too as well as swimming lessons.  Vacation is definately over!

I am really looking forward to the next sermon series that we will be beginning next week.  It will be focused on Peace.  God has been teaching me a lot about this from this spring through this fall.  It is a deeply personal series for me and I am looking forward to the study; what I will learn and what we will share together as a church.  I sense God moving us forward.

It is good to be back among my church family.  I cried on the phone with Mac this morning and just was so thankful to have others to lean on and to be surrounded by so much love.  It is so encouraging to be in a church that is doing what God called it to do.  With the marriage weekend coming up as well as the start of youth group and Sunday School, it is going to be an exciting fall.

Now if the Red Sox could get their act together, we'd be all set!  :)