The individual above is not a real man.  He may look like one and you could be forgiven for thinking he is one since he is 23 years old.  He certainly should be a man by now.  But he is not a real man by my definition.  A police affidavit says he told police he got frustrated at his two and a half month old son's crying Saturday morning, held him suspended by his head and threw him into a living room chair. The baby was hospitalized with severe bleeding around his brain and has died.  This is not the act of a real man.

Now I am not condemning this man, although many will feel he deserves it.  He deserves the punishment the courts will meet out and I pray for him.  I hope that he finds forgiveness in Jesus and can come to grow up past this terrible act he has committed.

Real men do not hit children, nor women.  Real men shouldn't even need to be hitting other men.  When it comes to family a real man serves.    I talked about this recently in my post, Serve Harder.  Real men take responsibility and serve.  They lead, they don't push.  This is tough.  I have NEVER used violence on my family (or others) but I can be verbally aggressive.  I don't yell, but I can be impatient and sound very displeased, speaking in a way that is not full of grace.  Of course, I could tell you I have good reason.  But do I ever have good reason for not thinking of others, especially my family first?  Sure, the case of this young man is extreme.  We would never do such a thing.  But how often do I do this sort of thing in my own gentle way?  We have been fighting the clutter war at my house.  I am not the only one who contributes.  In fact, I am 1/5 or the problem.  Some days, less.  So I can get a little impatient with the other members of this household and I can push them.  Yes, I have a pregnant wife, and yes she takes a lot more of the load of taking care of the kids, but really, she should be doing more!  I can get frustrated.  Not justifiable homicide, only justifiable frustration/indignation.  Ok, so its not baby killing, but it is also not serving.  Not being a real man.

So here's a radical thought, especially for those who have been raised to think in Puritan terms.  I do not believe that as a husband, I have the right to tell my wife what to do, or to force her to do things, either through guilt, or emotional pressure, fear, etc.  I can lovingly invite her to join me in things, but the minute she feels forced, I have moved outside of the servanthood that characterizes real manhood.  I looked in the Bible.  There is not one verse I could find that says that wives/women are supposed to serve their husbands.  It does say they are to submit which you can interpret as obey, but where are the verses telling the husband to order or command?  Not one.  Instead, the husband is commanded to be gentle, to serve, to be understanding. "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25).     Every verse I found that told a wife to submit or even obey was immediately followed by comparing the husband to Christ. Christ died for His bride. "just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:28).     So I do not have the right to tell my wife what to do.  I have the right to serve her, give myself up for her, to lead by example and welcome her into life with me.  When I do that, God has commanded her to respect me, to follow me, and to submit to my humble service to her.

The boy in the picture didn't serve his son, he hurt him, fatally.  I have sometimes been guilty of hurting my wife and kids.  I have never left a physical mark, but through selfishness and lack of service, I have left emotional marks.  Real men don't hurt their families, they serve them.  Join me, men.  Put away your harsh words or attitudes.  Stop being pushy and bossy.  I don't care what you think needs to be done, do it yourself and invite them to follow you gently, don't try to force obedience from your family.  Real men don't do that.

Jesus, the creator and sustainer of the universe, is God.  I am about as far from that as I can get.  Yet my daily concerns are almost always centered on me.  Even when I think I have gone beyond myself, I still find myself so focused on this world and not the larger reality of God.  I pray for my wife and kids every day, but my prayer is incredibly earth bound.  I pray that they will sleep well, that they will be well, that they will be safe, that nothing bad will happen to them but that their life will be full of earthly goodness.  Now if a life full of earthly goodness also glorifies God, then that's great, but my primary concern is their well-being, not their ability to glorify God.  Nor mine.  Don't get me wrong, I want to glorify God.  I have given my life to His service.  But that service is proscribe, sometimes very tightly, by my earthly viewpoint.

What if God's glory requires something different?  Throughout the Bible, God has often found glory through the suffering of His servants, and yet they often times were able to look at that suffering as a joy simply because they saw that suffering gave them what they needed; to glorify God.  The Christians of the first century were often excited when they found out they could be martyred, not because they were gluttons for punishment but because they were more focused on God's kingdom than this little world we live in here.

We, like Mary and Martha, cry over the death of a loved one.  It is not wrong to miss them, but we often act like this is the world that matters and we lose so easily the perspective of the "real" world of God.  Jesus tries to wake Mary and Martha up a little.  "I am the resurrection and the life."  Why are they so upset when Lazarus isn't dead, he's in heaven.  So caught up in their little world and Jesus so focused in the real world, His Kingdom.  I'm the same way as those ladies.  My daily concerns are primarily of this little world.  I pray for my day, my car, cold viruses, rain, and food.  How sad is it that so much of my life, my day, my prayers are taken up with the items of this little world.  The things of this world are passing away.  May I learn to get my focus more completely and more consistenly on His world, His kingdom.  Those are the prayers God longs to answer!!!

Today is #3's Name Day!  At least that's what my oldest has informed us.    In one of the books she recently read, it discussed the tradition of a Name Day that is actually celebrated in many countries.  She decided that we all needed a Name Day and so she picked out a date for each member of the family.  She has now been planning for several days for her younger brother's Name Day celebration.  She decorated his room (partially seen in the picture above), arranged his toy cars and his stuffed animals with additional Name Day banners, made him a Name Day crown out of paper and dandelions and then walked the family through the rituals of a Name Day celebration.  It was a lot of fun!

I am very thankful for my daughter.  I like that she is such a good party planner and so enjoys making events, planning them, and carrying them out.  She is really good at caring for and making her younger siblings feel special.  I like that her creativity gives us some extra, special family moments together.  It allows us to bond even closer as a family and enjoy one another.  I'm also glad that she loves to read and learns things that she then adds to our lives, like Name Day.  I had never heard of it before.  Homeschool teaches me too.  

Well, the Name Day celebration is over and I need to get back to work, but I just wanted to share the joy of our family Name Day celebration.  She now has a list on the wall with all of our dates.  Mine isn't until December, so there is still time to shop for my Name Day gift!

Does loving other people require faking it?  NO!  That is not to say that people don't fake it.  There are plenty of Christians out there, and I think that fully includes pastors, that are faking it.  They feel there is an expectation on their behavior, they may feel the pull of the Biblical mandate on life, and decide that the most important thing is to show it, no matter what.  They may be very sincere in this desire.  Pretend to like someone, pretend to have this Christian life/personal life/family life thing figured out and nailed down, at least in the basics.  After all, we are to be witnesses and examples.  We might hurt people's feelings.  We might hurt the cause of Christ!  So we fake it.  Maybe a little, maybe a lot, but we put out there what it should look like, even if it means concealing or papering over what is really there.

I think it is all too common.  It is also wrong, and more destructive than people realize.

First, faking love is like faking electricity (not that I have any idea how you "fake" electricity).  There's no real power there, but it looks like there is.  It is all human effort and nothing of God.  1 Corinthians 13 makes it very clear that all the minstry in the world without love is worth nothing.  It is just noise.  If I simply pretend to like people in the church, simply pretend to like the individuals or churches that are difficult, I might make it look convincing, but there will be no power behind it and the Holy Spirit will do no work.   I believe part of the reason that we don't experience the Spirit's power in the church today is that we forfeit the powerful love that is the essence of God and is the key to the work of the Holy Spirit.  We are nice to each other and we fake it, but there is no power, no electricity.

Second, faking your walk with God, whether in big or small ways, destroys the chance of real ministry.  The appearance of ministry may still take place.  Church functions and programs can be planned and carried out with efficiency and success.  Attendance may be fine.  Real ministry, where lives are changed and disciples made, will not take place, and that is the true work of God.  That is true ministry.  Church activity is nothing but busy-ness unless disciples are being built and disciplemakers equipped.   In 1 Thessalonians 2, Paul makes it clear that an important part of his ministry to them was the sharing of his life.  He makes it clear to Timothy that watching how Paul lived was part of how Timothy was to learn to be a disciplemaker.  When we give a fake version, a cleaned up, sanitized, dishonest view of our lives, we completly remove that primary and crucial ministry tool.   When it comes to the men that I am discipling and equipping, if I can't display and discuss my failures, my shortfalls, and my struggles, than I have nothing to offer in terms of life-changing ministry.

You can fake it, but you must not.  Faking it produces fake ministry and fake results, which is a fancy way of saying, nothing real will happen.  So, I guess we have to truly learn to love our enemies, to love and forgive those that hurt, disappoint, spitefully use us.  When the spiritual babies, when the christian sheep, poop all over us, we must, through the awesome real power of the Holy Spirit, truly love and delight in them.  The power of ministry will suddenly surge and disciples will begin to appear.

I would not be one of those people.

Now if you want to protest at this point and say that there are churches that are rotten or people that are rotten, then you are missing the point.   I have now served twenty years in the rural Maine church.  I grew up in the rural Maine church.  I have seen a lot.  I have seen power struggles.  I have seen people push change, fight change, make change, decry change.  I have heard people bemoan the lack of newness in the church and bemoan the loss of tradition.  I have watched pastor's abuse and be abused.  I myself have been hurt by people, pastors included and have been caught in other people's plots.  I have listened to pastors, sometimes at pastor get togethers, not only tell war stories, but complain to each other about people in general and people in particular.   I have also heard plenty of complaints about pastors, usually in particular.

I am far too human to claim that I have never complained.

Yet these days, I find that I am increasingly uncomfortable with this negative sharing, no matter how accurate or emotionally satisfying it is.  As pastors and ministers we have two main forces that should guide us.  Love for God and love for people.  When we complain and display such negative attitudes, we are practicing neither.  It does not matter that our complaints may be all too true.  There is really no justification for rehearsing, rehashing, and bemoaning the sinful attitudes that we encounter in the church.  It just takes their sinful attitude and joins it with one of our own.

Jesus told us how to respond.  Bless those that persecute you, bless and curse not.  Love your enemies.  Be kind to those who mistreat you.  Do not repay evil for evil but overcome evil with good.  When we begin to complain about that person or those people in church as pastors, we display a total lack of Holy Spirit power which enables us to love as Christ loves.  As a speaker once encouraged a group of pastors, "Don't bolt when the sheep poop on you."   Sheep poop.  So do babies.  Pick your metaphor.  You may not enjoy the experience, but if you can't handle it with grace then you shouldn't be shepherding or parenting.    Listening to Nate and Charlene laugh as they tell stories of their baby peeing on them during diaper changes, it reminds me that when you delight in someone, even their lack of control, their mess, can be an opportunity to love and celebrate, even if the experience itself isn't enjoyable and smells bad.

I am thankful that my experience at Bean's Corner right now makes celebrating our church easy.  But that is hardly the point.  No matter what you experience from others, you have the power to have a loving and positive attitude through the power of the Holy Spirit who fills us with the love of Christ.   In everything give thanks, rejoice in the Lord always, all things work together for the good for those who love God and are called to His purpose. Let no unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth but only what is good for edification.  If your focus is on Christ, and it is His church, then there are no rotten people and no rotten churches.  Just some that take a lot of power to love.  Fortunately, God is omnipotent and He has freely given us the power of the Love of Christ in the Holy Spirit.  Time to reflect that.

Part of this is deeply personal as I work out on the screen the thoughts that often swirl around in my head.  It helps formalize and analyze things I am thinking and develop ideas that I have.

Being able to share different thoughts I have on issues hopefully serves to encourage others as well as pushing me in my walk with Christ and my walk through this world.

Most importantly, I hope that this blog gives an honest picture of who I am and who we are as a family.  When I first gave the blog the title "Pastor's Window" it was with the idea of looking at the church and the world that goes past  from my office window.  It was a metaphor for my outlook on all that went on in life and ministry.  That is still true, but like any good (normal) window, those outside can see the person inside.  In this respect, the blog becomes a window looking onto the pastor.   It allows you to see the thoughts, feelings, and actions of my life.  You can see my interests, my weaknesses, my hurts and my joys.  My quirks no doubt become apparent as well as my struggles as I seek to follow Christ.

I have noticed that sometimes of late I have been more serious than fun on the blog and have stopped posting little things of interest like following the Red Sox or other humorous things.  I can get a little to "devotional" and preachy sometimes.  I'm not sure that will stop just because I often am seeking to find biblical pictures in day-to-day life.  But I'll try to make sure I don't lose track of the fun side of things.  

So, as of February the blog is four years old.  Can't believe that much time has flown by.  Its going to be an amazing spring as God continues to mould, shape, and refine.  Thanks for sharing in all this with me.

Although this is a complex subject with many intricacies, you can boil Sarah's and my approach down to two simple propositions.  Obedience must be absolute.  So must love.    In other words, disobeying is not a tolerated option in our house.  I am not saying that it doesn't happen, but that it is never permitted to go unanswered or uncorrected.  Teaching our kids that obedience is optional and avoidable would do them a terrible disservice and leave them in danger. HOWEVER, if that was it, we would be a police state, which we are not.  Love must be absolute too, and by this I don't mean simply that we tell our kids we love them (although we do.)   It means that the obedience we require is done in love, for love, and through love.  In fact, the more you discipline, the more love you must employ.   This is modeled on how God cares for us.  The Bible tells us that "the love of Christ controls us." (2 Cor. 5:14).  "Control" in this context means to constrain, to hold together.  Today my youngest (post-birth) child needed some discipline.  He got it along with a double helping of love and reassurance.  We are pretty strict here but we are not harsh.  Obedience becomes of matter of love, not fear of punishment.  As our children get older, we will lose the ability to punish them easily.  They will get big and independent and certain punishments will lose their value.  Love doesn't lose its value and even after they are completely independent of us, the bonds of absolute love will continue to bind our kids to us and make what we say matter.

Being vigilant with absolute obedience and absolute love is a difficult task for parents.  We want to take a break, or give reign to our frustration and tiredness, but we must not. (And when we do, love must drive us to our children in repentance, begging forgiveness in humility).  Although we are imperfect and growing in our execution, Sarah's & my goal for our household is a group of people bound together by love and constrained in their behavior by love for Christ and for each other.  Love makes us better parents and makes our kids better proto-adults.