Not Happy, but...

I have been going down to the hospital most every day.  Yesterday I visited two hospitals as I first traveled up to Bangor to see my Aunt and then drove down to Augusta to visit Dad.  As has been my practice this week, I spent the late afternoon/early evening just sitting with him.  He sleeps most of the time but does waken now and then for a few minutes.  He doesn't talk much because his mouth/throat hurts.  It has been good to just sit with him, enjoy just being in his presence for these last times and keep him company.

Did I just say it has been good?  Did I just use the word "enjoy"?  Yes.  Last night that enjoyment included holding my dad's hand as he slept and weeping.  I am not happy, I am sad.  I am going to miss dad a great deal.  There are plenty of things that are ending with this process and I am not happy about this.  I am not happy that this has happened.

BUT

I have joy.  Joy is different from happiness.  It is something that results from what God does inside of you that processes the events of your life.  I don't have to like it, but I can accept it, not in some grudging way, but embrace it and have joy.

Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13)

Contentment.  Joy.  I can do that through Christ who gives me strength.  And that is what we are living right now.   Happiness requires circumstances to go our way and right now circumstances are NOT going the way I want.  Joy, in Christ, rises above those circumstances.  It starts as contentment in whatever those circumstances are and then you can build on that.  Each good thing becomes a gift, not a consolation prize.  I am content in what I have so any good thing is a beautiful extra; a gift from God.  "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  (James 1:17)

When we thought he had slipped into final unconsciousness, he awoke, was aware, signed important papers, and visited us for three hours as my whole immediate family (minus my kids) were there.    He was able to have his final talk with his sister, an event we had given up on.  He has given me more hugs than I thought I would still get, more "I love you's" than I thought I still had coming.  I have had evenings of just sitting in his presence.  All these are gifts.  Last night as I sat there beside him and quietly cried, I was filled with my sadness and with such joy and satisfaction for all that I have and have been given.  I will miss dad, and I am sad to lose him for now, but I have been so blessed.  And in Christ I have the chance to one day see my father again with my Heavenly Father.  "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away."  (Revelation 21:4)

I'm not happy.  But I am full of JOY!