Exercising Discipline

Having three young kids, Sarah and I know all about the need to discipline.  What is the trick is method.  At the risk of being a bit simplistic, there are two extremes.  There are those that emphasize love and affirmation to the point where kids run free and do what they want and there are those that emphasize obedience to the point where the kids are almost in prison.   If these are the two extremes, then common sense would say that a "balanced" approach would be a mix of some obedience and some love and acceptance.   I submit that that approach would be wrong too.

Although this is a complex subject with many intricacies, you can boil Sarah's and my approach down to two simple propositions.  Obedience must be absolute.  So must love.    In other words, disobeying is not a tolerated option in our house.  I am not saying that it doesn't happen, but that it is never permitted to go unanswered or uncorrected.  Teaching our kids that obedience is optional and avoidable would do them a terrible disservice and leave them in danger. HOWEVER, if that was it, we would be a police state, which we are not.  Love must be absolute too, and by this I don't mean simply that we tell our kids we love them (although we do.)   It means that the obedience we require is done in love, for love, and through love.  In fact, the more you discipline, the more love you must employ.   This is modeled on how God cares for us.  The Bible tells us that "the love of Christ controls us." (2 Cor. 5:14).  "Control" in this context means to constrain, to hold together.  Today my youngest (post-birth) child needed some discipline.  He got it along with a double helping of love and reassurance.  We are pretty strict here but we are not harsh.  Obedience becomes of matter of love, not fear of punishment.  As our children get older, we will lose the ability to punish them easily.  They will get big and independent and certain punishments will lose their value.  Love doesn't lose its value and even after they are completely independent of us, the bonds of absolute love will continue to bind our kids to us and make what we say matter.

Being vigilant with absolute obedience and absolute love is a difficult task for parents.  We want to take a break, or give reign to our frustration and tiredness, but we must not. (And when we do, love must drive us to our children in repentance, begging forgiveness in humility).  Although we are imperfect and growing in our execution, Sarah's & my goal for our household is a group of people bound together by love and constrained in their behavior by love for Christ and for each other.  Love makes us better parents and makes our kids better proto-adults.