Big Nothing

When I was a teenager, I had a really poor self-image.  I was depressed and hated myself.  I had no idea at the time that such dark and depressing thoughts were a sign of an ego out of control.  I wasn't proud of myself, but I was the center of my universe.  I was stuck on myself and miserable all at the same time.   As I have gotten older and finally begun to mature some, I realize that not only was I incredibly selfish then, but I still am now.

Now I strive to be a humble person.  I'm not sure that I succeed as much as I should, but it is a goal.  Humility is not the issue though, it is self-centric thinking and living.  We tend to think of selfishness as thinking a lot of yourself, but the real issue is whether you think of yourself A LOT.  That comes so natural as to be hard to notice sometimes.  I eat when I am hungry, I rest when I am tired, I am constantly reacting to what I am thinking, feeling, needing and desiring.  That natural response to myself is louder than my response to the needs of others, whether you, my kids, my wife, or others.  I care about their needs, but I tend to be so much more aware and careful with my own.  As I grow older and my family has increased I continue to discover that my ego is not only alive and well but still seeking to dominate my thinking.  The habit is so ingrained that unless I consciously counteract it each day and indeed each time I make a plan, have a thought, have a reaction, it is sitting there in the driver's seat, running the show.

There are so many ways this shows itself, so many insidious ways that my ego takes control.  It is not merely me being selfish about my time or my priority choices.  It comes down to how often I actively think through the non-expressed needs of my wife and kids, my friends and church family.

Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. (Galatians 6:2-3)

I can't begin to list the number of times that my wife actually has to tell me what she needs, not because I have no idea and couldn't have figured it out on my own, but because I just wasn't even thinking about her.  My thoughts tend to center around my own needs.  I try to meet hers, but too often I wait until they show up, unmet and enlarged before I pay attention.  This tendency made the first years of our marriage extra difficult because back then I not only didn't pay attention before she expressed her needs, but I didn't always keep her needs in mind even after she would bring them up.  Then, as an advanced demonstration of self-centric thinking, I would get annoyed at her when she would express her needs again, since they had remained unmet.  "I know that."  Of course, while proclaiming I as aware of her needs, I never demonstrated an understanding or caring about them in my actions.  Again, though, I would excuse myself with an expression of how hard it was, while not really trying that hard at all.  At least it made me feel better.  She'd be ok.

There is is again, Ego.  It wasn't that I felt that I was more imporant,  I didn't consciously think that, but I acted like it most of the time.

I need to live like I am nothing.  Not having a poor self image or thinking that I am some sort of worm, but rather work to further restrict the time and attention I give my wants, needs and desires.  I need to replace that attention on myself with attention, first on Christ and then on my wife and children.  This has become all the more vital as we have four kids.  Too often they will not be able to express their needs and if I leave them unmet or insufficiently met because I'm not thinking about them and hearing them, by the time those needs really show up, it will be too late and I will have done damage that I may not be able to adequately correct.  That scares me.    It will also reduce my effectiveness as a pastor.  If I wait until the church starts really feeling the need, if I am not thinking ahead to what the needs are before they become visible, I will be missing many opportunities to love and I will be planting seeds of decay in our church.

The stakes are too high for me to do what is natural and allow my natural self-centric thinking to run my life.  Learning to die to self is far harder than I think and I am going to struggle with it.  I cannot, however, use that struggle as an excuse to continue with a self-centric life.  Time to grow up and get further out of my own orbit, into the orbit of Christ and serve my wife, serve my kids, and serve those around me.  God will supply my needs.  I need to die to self.