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My Fear
A look at life and ministry.
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My Fear

  01/07/13 12:33, by , Categories: Personal Reflections, My Life, Theology Lived, Pastors

With the last two sermons on idols and what I shared Sunday on my most tempting idol, I feel led to share a deeply personal glance at my heart.

 

Everyone at Bean's Corner and many beyond know that I don't want to be called "Pastor" as a title instead of my name.  Many have struggled with this, some have disagreed with me, others have just puzzled at why I feel this way.  Many have understood too.  I have several different reasons why I feel this way and I have alluded to the biggest reason, but this morning I want to fully share with you the biggest reason.

It is Fear.  Normally I would say that fear is a bad motivator, but not in this case.  You see, I know me too well to trust me.  I'm afraid of me, or more specifically, what my heart is capable of.

"The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it? "I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, Even to give to each man according to his ways, According to the results of his deeds. (Jeremiah 17:9-10)

Being a pastor is a huge invitation to pride.  You deal in powerful forces.  People look up to you, can even honor you a lot.  You are given access into people's lives to advise, teach, and guide.  How many jobs are powerful enough that the title of the job is used as a name?  We don't run into teachers, cops, repairmen, mill workers, or most people and use their titles as a name.  Sometimes Judge.  Senator, perhaps.   Govenor.  Mr. President.  Such is the power of this profession.  "Good morning, Pastor."   I will tell you right now, that can feel REALLY good.  To be honored, respected, recognized, turned to, held up and appreciated is a powerful feeling.  Guess which part of me likes it.  Not my humilty.

For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ. (Galatians 1:10)

I am SO afraid of this. Big Time!  I know me.  In my life I have watched pastor after pastor slip into pride without ever noticing, it was so subtle.  They appreciated, liked, and finally wanted and expected, that status.  As someone who has always felt inferior and left out, I am extra susceptible to treasuring the feelings of being recognized, appreciated and loved.  It feels good, and that scares me.  I must keep my distance from the siren's song of pride, fleeing like Joseph from Potiphar's wife.

But Jesus called them to Himself and said, "You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. "It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." (Matthew 20:25-28)

Being constantly lifted up and honored can really get in the head of someone who is supposed to have a slave mentality.  At least it does for me.  I don't want to feel and start desiring the power of the pastorate.  So I fight it, and one of the ways I fight that is to constantly try to stop people from elevating my title.  People say, the pastor should be respected.  That isn't false, but I would rather be respected by having people heed to Word of the Lord and the discipling I do, rather than trying to honor or elevate me, the man.  Being honored and recognized invites me to being proud of who I am rather than be servant that is merely a jar of clay filled with God's treasure.

But, "The one who brags should brag about what the Lord has done." Those who praise themselves are not accepted. Those the Lord praises are accepted. (2 Corinthians 10:17-18)

I'm nothing.  Sure I have gifts, abilities, talents, and learning.  Yes, I went to school.  SO WHAT?  All that counts for nothing.

The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash--along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant--dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ (Philippians 3:7-8)

Only the work that God does matters and while He may use me, he does not NEED me.  Anything that I accomplish is only through Him and therefore I am not worthy of praise.

"He does not thank the slave because he did the things which were commanded, does he? "So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, 'We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.'" (Luke 17:9-10)

It is for this reason that I don't want attention, lots of praise, recognition, and a title.  The pride and ego in my heart wants it too much and it can't be trusted with it.  My flesh must be killed and its desire of recognition and respect must be denied it.  I'm very fearful of it.  If I allow it to start to infect me, it might not show up to the church, but the spiritual consequences would be Devastating.

"Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 6:1)
Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. Therefore I run in such a way, as not without aim; I box in such a way, as not beating the air; but I discipline my body and make it my slave, so that, after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified. (1 Corinthians 9:25-27)

You at church might not notice any difference in the ministry.  You would see me doing good things, being a good pastor.  You would go on praising me and thinking well of me, but my heart will have betrayed me and your love, respect and honor would be the beginning AND END of my reward.

My desire to is follow Paul's example.

For we never came with flattering speech, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed--God is witness-- nor did we seek glory from men, either from you or from others, even though as apostles of Christ we might have asserted our authority. But we proved to be gentle among you, as a nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children. (1 Thessalonians 2:5-7)

So that is my heart, and the fear of my heart.  I'm scared of me.  I don't trust me.  I don't want to be proud of my work, of what is happening, of what "My Ministry" is.  It isn't "My Ministry" it is Christ's and I shouldn't be given credit for it.  I am falling far short of the pastor I ought to be, and even if I ever get this right, I will still not be anything but an obedient slave.

Now perhaps you understand my strange obsession with these things and why I do what I do.  Pray for me and pray that I never begin to seek and enjoy the glory that belongs soley and completely to God!

This entry was posted by and is filed under Personal Reflections, My Life, Theology Lived, Pastors.

2 comments

Comment from: Ji [Visitor]
Ji
Thanks for sharing! The title of "pastor" shall now be changed to "servant". 😉
01/07/13 @ 13:47
Comment from: Michael Wolfe [Visitor]
Michael Wolfe
Well said and well defined. I couldn't agree with you more and you are wise to see that. Oops, don't let that go to your head. :>)
01/07/13 @ 15:08


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A look at life and ministry.

About the Author

After growing up in Maine, Ira graduated from Bible College and wandered into Western Maine and has never found his way back out. He has a deep love for the rural churches of Maine and the people who make up this great state. He loves Truth over Tradition, Christ over Culture, and People over Process. He love to equip, teach, and disciple and longs to see the Maine church grow healthy and make disciples.


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