Thoughts of a Wretched Man

Things have been so crazy lately and I just haven't sat down and written things out. Its not that things have been bad, just...I don't know...crazy. Things have been going well overall, but there are always different things that can end up weighing on you and you don't even know it at first. I think, and if you look back at some of the posts you can see the hints, that my frustrated perfectionism may have been catching up with me in ways I didn't recognize. Even when I know that I haven't really failed, when things aren't the way they are supposed to be, I can put a lot of that weight on myself. I know quite a few other people who do that too. I like to fix everything and when I can't, it can weigh on my mind, even if I dismiss it. It just sits back there in my subconscious and builds up. I think that a lot of different things began to build up and was keeping me troubled even though I didn't know why. Not all better yet, but tonight began to see some recovery. Some of the optimism and excitement starting to reappear. It feels good. Tonight I just felt like typing something, anything, and I thought I would just sort of stream of consciousness the blog with these thoughts. I think that many people have these sorts of issues where they end up struggling with their emotions or thoughts but can't figure things out. Sometimes we over and under spiritualize these things at the same time. In over-spiritualizing, we say things like, 'just pray about it', 'trust God', etc. These things are true but that approach rarely helps. On the other hand, it is too easy to not truly give burdens to God. I thought I had, but they were still sitting back there. Really giving things up and accepting HIS view of things is harder than saying it. I have not mastered it yet. I think this is part of what Paul was expressing when he expressed his frustration with knowing what he was supposed to do but finding that he didn't do it. He called himself a wretched man. I am one too. It is easy to say you are trusting God. It is easy to make it look like you are, but to have that become an emotional reality that then reflects out of you in the private and stressful moments, that is harder. I am glad that I am learning it, but I understand Paul's frustration that it is a struggle. Right now I am listening to a series of songs I just downloaded (after paying for them) by Todd Agnew. I really like his stuff. This is his Christmas album. I am going to use two of the songs at the Christmas eve service. When I was listening to them the other day, they got me all teared up. Emmanuel-God with us. Working on this service has really been touching me. God became like me. He struggled with His emotions, HE was troubled, HE had to balance passion for people with their own rejection. I have no choice in this, but HE did. HE didn't have to come, but HE chose to. Amazing Love!! What an act of humility and compassion. HE became one of us. OH Lord!! Thank you for understanding my troubled heart. You had one yourself. I find great comfort and peace in YOUR presence because YOU have been where I am, and I KNOW that one day I will be where YOU are.